Adulting….isn’t it hard work, eh? For those of you who know me, you’ll probably know that I am fairly laid back. For those of you who don’t know me, I try my best to go with the flow, and often live in the midst of organised chaos that works for me! I have enjoyed the freedom, and the time that working different shifts has allowed me, I enjoy the long weekends it gives me off to enjoy myself, and I like the early finishes, and the lie-ins it sometimes affords me. However, I absolutely love routine, which contradicts this completely.
But the one thing my life is currently missing is routine. I used to have a real routine nailed down to the second. I try not to waste time in the mornings, and I used to have an almost military timed routine in place. You’re probably thinking this goes against all that I have just said about being chilled out, but the routine I build lets me be like that. I don’t like faffing so I know how long every task takes me, and know how long I can sleep in for, and at the end of the day, it gives me more time to be relaxed. I feel like a lack of routine is starting to really wear me down.
*Sorry for the long, pathetic rant that is about to ensue/lack of sense in the content!
I’m sure you haven’t particularly noticed that I have been absent from my blog for a few weeks, but, if you have, I’m going to try and resume normal schedule. I’d apologise for this, but I don’t mean it, because the simple fact of the matter is that it’s my blog and if I want to take a break then I will. That said, I am sorry in the sense that I feel like I’ve been letting myself, and in turn the blogging community down. I have really struggled to find the motivation and time to blog of late. That’s not to say the time hasn’t been there, I just haven’t had the inclination, which is very unlike me. I used to have a vague routine for blogging, like everything else. I knew sort of what I wanted to achieve and at the end of the week would probably have sort of got there. And that used to work well. But it doesn’t anymore, because my <insert generic word for feeling a bit crap here>ness has just halted all blogging and social media progress that I had made.
As I said, I have gotten used to working weird shift patterns and actually find that the flexibility prevents the monotony of working from seeping in, and allows me time away from work to do different things with different people at different times. That lack of rigid pattern and routine is having a negative effect elsewhere in my life. My weight is a low level bug bear every single day. I’d love to sort it and go through periods of successes and failures the way many overweight people do. I don’t truly hate myself, and I ma lucky I can say that, but I’m not truly happy either. Far from it in fact. I am reasonably confident about many aspects in life, which helps mask any insecurities my size presents, but I think the older I get, the worse the down periods seem to be. For the first time, I actually feel quite rubbish, I have started to negatively view myself, and that is a horrible position to be in.
I thrive on routine when it comes to dieting, changing eating patterns, and increasing exercise. I know that preparation is half of the key to successfully dieting, and that will power is the other half, and sadly for me these are both assisted by routine. I need to get into a routine of prepping things when I have the time, and I need to make the time to get out and do more healthy exercise. I know that more will power would help with this, but the fact is my meal times are never set, the length of my day varies by hours, and I cannot get into a regular eating pattern that fits my job. Yes, this is a little bit of a ‘woe is me’ rant, but it is frustrating. I have looked into support groups (e.g Slimming World/Weightwatchers) but much like the changing patterns effects meal times and exercise class schedules, it means I can never commit to regularly attending a meeting. OK, so it’s not all about the meetings, but those programmes which seem to work for my friends are reliant on regular meeting attendance to see progress.
The lack of routine is even effecting me down to a more simple level of having a routine to clean and tidy my room and my house. I share a house with a good friend and fellow blogger Emma, and I am sure she will confirm that I could be tidier when it comes to my things and my spaces. A messy room and car, a messy downstairs does actually bother me quite a lot. I don’t like waking up and completing an obstacle to get to the bathroom, I don’t like leaving the washing up stacked on the side, I don’t like a messy car, but I don’t have the motivation or the inclination to sort it unless it is plotted into my schedule, or it’s written on a to-do list. If I could just sort this aspect of my life, I am sure it would leave me with more time to do other things, and would actually leave me in a better mood to complete other things that I want to do.
The fact is, each thing on their own is a little tweak, or a small commitment. Each thing on it’s own would take a small amount of time and preparation, and a little thought to sort and then it would be easy to do. But combine all of these things together, and the rut you find yourself in seems insurmountable. Because rut is how I would describe it. I am in a rut. I don’t feel like any aspect of my life is progressing at any discernible rate. And that would be OK, if I was sure that’s what I wanted it, but I don’t actually know what I want from life or where I want life to go, so how can you fix it, or work towards something that isn’t there as an entity?
Reader, I am moaning. I am aware of it. I can’t help it because moaning feels like the right thing to do. I am starting to feel like the moaning is turning to anger, and I know I need to channel that productively. I am really trying, I promise, to fix the aspects of life that I am unhappy with, and celebrate the areas of my life that I like. I like work, I like the company I work for and the people I work with and I like the new learning opportunities that are presenting themselves. I like the time I am making to read and to travel, both of which I love. I know that if I celebrated these things, and worked on everything else I could probably get out of this rut that I am in, but the problem with a rut is that it saps you of the energy and positivity that the task itself requires!!
I promise I attempting to take steps to help myself. For a start, I am posting this. I am not about sharing things I am feeling, and I more likely to be found listening to others and trying to help them. I know this isn’t a bad thing, but I think sharing adds a level of accountability as well as building a support network. I am also (in conjunction with my awesome housemate Emma) looking into healthy options for meals, snacking, and exercising. We already cook a lot of meals from scratch, so that is a good platform, but I am guilty of snacking a fair amount, and also for abandoning any meal plans and healthy eating when it comes to work place consumption. So, with her help and some forward thinking, this needs to and will change. I am due to train in work on some new systems soon, which will mean a steady 9-530 shift pattern for a 4/5week block over the summer. I’m hoping this will put me in the frame of mind of making things work in work.
I’ve also downloaded an app that someone recommended on twitter called Wunderlist. I like a good list, even if it is just so I can tick things off it (I’ve heard this is a real thing, ticking something off a list is positive reinforcement and is great for motivating) so I thought this app might help? I also have tried bullet journaling. In some respects this is a really good thing for me, I like drawing and filling things in, and I liked all the trackers I took the time to make. The problem (once again, you’ll see a noticeable pattern) is that I don’t make the time for it on a day to day, or even week by week basis. I don’t make the time to plan things, or write them down, I don’t even completely a monthly section like I used to. I found I retrospectively filled it in, rather than pre-emptively used it, which is hardly the best use of a journal. I am thinking about looking into this again, if all else to try and make myself think about how I spend my time.
Well, that got intense fast, didn’t it?! I feel a little better though, even just getting everything off my chest for now. I think a lot of my feelings stem from being relatively new and unknown to me, so now as they are shared (and halved as the saying goes) I am going to do my best to sort them out. Because at the end of the day, it is only me who can sort these issues out and there is no point whining and moaning if I am not willing to help myself.
So yes, thanks guys, thanks for the support, thanks for being here, thanks for any recommendations (they are all welcome, and thanks for always being awesome!